a struggling lady to be a woman

Dear kamu dan namamu,

Walau kegelapan menggantikan terang, hanya beberapa bayang lembut dekorasi langit malam, secercah sinar berpendar menyelip masuk dan mengintip dengan keingintahuannya melalui tirai kain kamar, aku masih dapat melihat wajahmu dengan sempurna. Kau terlelap dalam mimpi kanakmu yang bermain-main dengan malaikat langit. Mereka putih, seperti namamu. Mereka suci, seperti namamu. Tergurat busur di tiap ujung bibirku, hanya melihatmu sedekat ini. Aku ingin melihat lebih lagi dirimu dengan ekor mataku mengikuti paparan cahaya malam yang tertinggal di sebagian kulitmu. Namun tangan dan kakiku diam pada tempatnya, terjepit di antara kehangatan pelukanmu. Aku ingin seperti ini. Aku akan menutup mataku. Tolong diam sejenak. Sebentar saja. Sejenak.

Benar, itu suara burung kutilang yang kudengar. Tanda empu sinar terterang sudah hampir menampakkan dirinya. Aku membuka kelopak mataku. Aku masih tak percaya masih ada kau di sampingku. Cintaku. Dapat kurasakan nafasmu yang pelan dan dalam. Nafas dari seseorang yang dapat menggairahkan kembali sebuah cinta: menghembuskannya dan membangkitkannya hingga hidup. Kamu masih dalam tidurmu. Kuguratkan sebuah senyum untukmu dan sentuhan kasih di pipimu. Matamu yang terbuka kini terpejam, sebuah mata indah yang berbicara dan mengambil hati seorang gadis belia sepertiku.

Aku tidak ingin melewatkan walau sekilas pandangan padamu. Kita begitu dekat dan sangat sesuai bersama. Aku percaya pada bintang yang bersinar. Dia bersinar untuk memendarkan kasih kita. Bibir kita terpaut satu dengan yang lainnya. Selanjutnya aku dapat merasakan tanganmu yang melingkar di pinggangku dan memeluk dengan ulu hatimu di bawah sebuah saksi mata bisu kain yang melingkupi kita berdua. Jika saja ia dapat berkata, ia akan menceritakan semua kisah harum yang kita tebar. Jika saja ia dapat mendengar, ia akan mengulang kembali semua bisikan-bisikan yang kamu ucapkan dengan lembut di telingaku.

Setiap inchi dari kamar ini bersaksi, bagaimana polosnya kah ketika kau tertidur. Sesuai namamu.

Dear kamu dan namamu,

Kamu harus tetap berjalan. sayang. Aku harus tetap berjalan. Kita harus tetap berjalan, namun tidak bersama. Kau tahu sayang, lebih baik kita tidak pernah bertem. Sinar langit malam yang dulu menyelinap masuk saat itu tidaklah berpihak pada kita berdua. Dia marah atas kita. Aku tak percayai lagi bahwa bintang memiliki cahaya diam. Dia itu bergerak menyimpan waktu seperti potongan babak dalam film dan memutarnya di suatu tempat sehingga Ia mengetahui kebenaran ini. Aku tak percayai lagi bahwa selimut adalah saksi bisu. Dia pasti memberi tahu Ia. Ia pun murka dan menghukum kenistaan kita. Sekarang hanyalah kegelapan yang disediakan bagi kita. Saat ini ketika kau tidak disini, begitu dingin yang kurasa hingga kulitku pun basah karena dinginnya embun. Alam tidak menyetujui kita, dia berusaha membekukan hati yang sempat membara. Alam menghukum kita berdua.

Jika saja hari itu aku tidak usah datang ke pondok itu hanya untuk mengikuti jejakmu. Jika saja hari itu kita tidak terhanyut suara ombak malam yang mendesir. Jika saja hari itu kita menghiraukan angin malam yang menderit, angin yang membawa pesan tentang Ia…

Kita tahu kita salah. Kita tahu mata kita sama-sama merah. Kita tahu kita sama-sama ingin menghentikan rotasi bumi. Kita tahu kita sama-sama tidak ingin kembali ke sana. Tangan, kaki, dan bibir kita memilih untuk dimiliki oleh yang lain. Hatiku tersayat ketika kau tidak lagi muncul di pandanganku tetapi kau selalu muncul dalam benak mimpiku. Walau aku tak percaya lagi pada bintang yang bersinar, aku tetap mempercayaimu. Bahwa hanya engkaulah yang memberi cahaya kecil di ulu hatiku. Sebab sebuah nama bukanlah suatu kebetulan diberikan ketika lahir. Putih, suci, dan polos. Itulah arti namamu.

Dari yang selalu memujamu,

Aku dan namaku.

Jakarta, August 2011.

Ah, finally I have finished the list. I get insipired from a friend of mine, Awen, to write exciting things to do. The list limits to 101 things and should be accomplished within 1,001 days. Exciting and challenging, true? After you read this, I want you my reader also do the same. It is really fun, try it!

001. Watch a pupa metamorphose into a butterfly.
002. Jog every morning in 10 days around home.
003. Handsew 5 shirts and drop it at eX City Hall—a box for charity purpose
004. Sew a fine Yukata and wear it to any Japanese Festival in town.
005. Compose a good rhythm and melody on Keyboard, record it, and set as a ringtone.
006. Be a vegetarian in one week each month for 3 months. See later if I can do more.
007. Write a novel and get published.
008. Write a situational comedy screenplay. Let’s see how dry I could be.
009. Sing ‘I Want A Love That Will Last’ and ‘In My Life’ song in jazzy voice for someone.
010. Send a letter by mail to myself. An encouraging and worth-to-read letter overtime.
011. Learn to cook at least 10 Italian recipes. Our mother knows the best for every woman figure that pasta is good.
012. Learn to cook an uncommon traditional food recipe, choose one from nationwide.
013. Wear braces. Get better-looking teeth.
014. Send a gift to a birthday not-so-close friend and tell her/him how adorable s/he is
015. Purchase a kitchen-set gift for my parents.
016. Plant strawberries in a Strawberry Garden, juice them, and enjoy it with family.
017. Laugh in front of public till my ass on the floor.
018. Have a bottle of red wine to drink once everyday.
019. Plant at least 10 kinds of various plants/flowers.
020. Drive insanely: Drive without looking at maps from morning and back to home at the night.
021. Create my own hand-made flat shoes: should be colorful and have different motives for each shoe.
022. Wear it to classes for two weeks.
023. Sew a unique skirt and give it to housemaids.
024. Adopt a shihtzu puppy.
025. Feed a bird, watch it eat, and take a picture.
026. Learn to play a music instrument.
027. Finish all books written by Stephen King.
028. Lie down in a beach in swimsuit in the evening.
029. Give away of my favourite shirt to a street child.
030. Learn meditation and practice it often.
031. Have one hand-sewn English-countryside woman clothes; wear it to a family reunion.
032. Inspire someone to know their talent and passion.
033. Write an epic poetry about a woman in Old English language.
034. Have a slumber party with girlfriends.
035. Plant a flower plant secretly along the road between apartment and campus. Take care of it everyday.
036. Learn bartending and make at least 15 good various drinks.
037. Visit England countryside and learn farming.
038. Learn England folk dance.
039. Collect fallen leaves and create something creative with it and put it on the wall.
040. Visit Keukenhof, the world’s largest Flower Park in Holland. Play in the park, hear the birds, and smell the flowers.
041. Have a one-day photoshoot with a photographer friend
042. Sing and dance nearby the beach in Maui Island.
043. Have a penpal from African friend
044. Join a wine-tasting event with loved one in Hawaii.
045. Make a self-documentary romantic-love video with Souljah – Mahalo song on the background.
046. Learn body languages for the mutes directly from them.
047. Watch 3 horror/violence movies with eye stay opened for the rest of the movies, ex: Drag Me to Hell, Exorcism, Saw I-V. (..Why did I write this?)
048. Laugh hard on a big stupidity I might make.
049. Lie on the grass in the park and watch cloud with loved one.
050. Sleep being hugged.
051. Dye my hair and eyebrows into Folk color.
052. Breed chickens and watch the eggs turn into a cute chick.
053. Read all Greek Mythology and learn more about the famous philosophers.
054. Get in to a public hot whirlpool tub.
055. Attend Mika’s concert, join the ‘Meet & Greet’, take a photograph, and ask him to be his assistant.
056. Paint my wall like Mika’s Life in Cartoon Motion – style, customized to fit my own preferences and contents.
057. Do fine dinings with closest friends and exchange passion and visions.
058. Beat Inosensius in a chess game.
059. Learn Chado, purchase various kinds of teabags, and practice it every morning.
060. Make a big sand castle in a beach with someone special
061. Eat until I drop, anything, anytime, anywhere, just for one day.
062. Purchase a gift for myself 1,000,000 worth.
063. Give help directly by having a visit, healing, and treating natural disaster victims.
064. Visit Taj Mahal and tell a tourist there a history of it.
065. Write a letter to my favorite local author: Djenar Maesa Ayu.
066. Learn Chinese language.
067. Meet and have a pleasant time newfound friends in Twitter
068. Put up and settle my own drinking water gallon. No more ask someone to do it. I am strong enough! :D
069. Design my room into a very comfortable place.
070. Give presents something my younger brothers really like for their birthday. (Start finding out now!)
071. Give a foot massage and pedicure for my mom.
072. Learn French language.
073. Send a love letter mailed to home for my mom and dad
074. Create a jar with 1,000 paper-made stars
075. Finish Dan Brown’s books. 
076. Draw and paint family portrait.
077. Cheer someone’s day.
078. Have a spectacular journey to Bogor then to Bandung, visit nice places, eat uncommon foods, purchase unique merchandise, and make a new friend with the local.
079. Learn to be open to anyone.
080. Bake a cake. Any cake.
081. Sit under a big tree and read book.
082. Climb and sit on a big tree and sing with someone with guitar
083. Get to know my neighbors.
084. Turn off my mobile phone for a week.
085. Make out in the beach.
086. Smile to everyone I meet during the walk to campus and go home.
087. Collect seashells and stick them to a jar as decoration
088. Catch a butterfly and let go, quickly take a picture.
089. Paint body with silver and glittery strokes and silver make up and get pictured
090. Being kissed under the rain.
091. Imitate bird’s singing by whistling in a morning.
092. Write down own problems and worries in each separate small paper, insert into a balloon, fill it with helium, and fly it.
093. Breathe rhythmically and deep everyday 3 minutes before bed.
094. Surprise someone by giving him/her a birthday cake on the night of the birthday.
095. Get a parttime job. 
096. Update my wardrobe before dad complains how ugly I look anymore.
097. Pretend a tourist, wear sunglasses, shorts, T-shirts, hats, backpacks, and maps on my hand with a friend, visit nice places in Jakarta including museums. Keep talking in English. Haha!
098. Give away my lunch for a kid in the street and a strawberry as a bonus.
099. Ask a stranger – a mommy and her baby- to play with the baby.
100. Have an adventure in Singapore alone for one day.
101. Learn Arabian letter.


UPDATE
As July 25th, 2010:
I really need to print this out and stick each line on my Pink Book in order for me to remember. So far, I have accomplished 5 goals. 96 more to go. I should be quick!

As August 30,2010:
4 more goals accomplished. So… 92 more to go :)

omegafu:

-selfgasm:

snsdgifs:

TURNS ME ON

HOLY NUTS.
Sexy eyebrows are sexy. Makes me tingle.
Oh my god you’re just so gorgeous in general.